With the start of November and my experience on full moon night the gates to the other world had opened up for me. I felt a connection to and the presence of death in the days to come. I know, that there are more people who felt this presence but not everyone would name it “the presence of death” or “connection to the world of the dead”. To some it might feel scary or uncomfortable in some way to name it so. It becomes real as soon as you name it. That was what I wanted.
To name it the way I felt it made it easier for me to accept it as part of my days. I was glad that I knew what was going on and what it was that I was experiencing. To name it makes it become familiar.
The days were heavier than usual, somehow foggy and dull although sun was shining. I didn’t feel much serenity, there was distress and sadness with me and many feelings and emotions concerning those and what was no longer part of my life. I kept feeling and thinking of my father and in my dreams, night after night, also other people, who had died years ago showed up. My grandmother Grosi appeared and kept me company with her warm and open heart, my grandfather Karl right by her side and one night a friend from school, Lukas, appeared in my dreams in the early morning hours. He died in November about 10 years ago in a car accident which left me shocked and deeply sad. I thought of my friend Anna who was very close to him and how she must have felt losing her best friend. It made me sad to feel with her that day and I wondered if she might have felt a love was dying back then.
This was the sensation that was most present that entire week, The feeling I woke up with every day and went to bed with at night. The feeling of love that had died.
In that week I didn’t change location, I didn’t want to travel so I stayed where I was, on the tiny island of Vis. I went down to the nearby beach almost daily and sometimes to some other nearby sights. I felt the need to be in a familiar place and to know where home was for some time. I felt the need to be cozy and warm some nights. Some others I went out into nature by sunset and waited for the night to fall and let all colors fade.
One night I had another dream that left a message. There were feelings to come up again, which I had felt so many times before, but they wanted to be felt again. Again, the chapter of my last and deep love, my soul-love and all wishes and hopes connected to it would be present. Again!
Meanwhile I’m impatient with myself when feelings of grief and loss for him come up again. They have been challenging me for so many years, so many times I carried hope and there was never anything else than pain in the end. But still, these feelings needed to be felt again. What a torture, but there was no escape.
I gave myself in to it, I let these old feelings of sadness, loss and pain rise again. I thought of him and us every day, I imagined us being together in so many places, how beautiful it all would be and how happy I would feel if… if… if…
This doesn’t help, you might think, just get over it and push it aside! Well, that doesn’t help either, and besides that, there was no other way. This was what I had to go through and I went it all the way.
What I had to feel in these days of darkness was my own love as part of what had died, part of the world down there, far away and not alive anymore. Something inside of me started to accept that this love, an inseparable part of my soul and heart, was dead. That this love, my images, wishes and the history I carry inside of me, belonged to the other world. They were not part of my life here and now anymore. It was all about practicing acceptance, my body, mind and soul, my spirit and heart all experienced this same feeling of giving in to letting it go. The feeling of “not anymore” kept walking by my side the entire week.
It is hard to accept the loss of loved once when they die, no doubt, but to let something die, that is a very part of myself, that emerged from my heart and that my soul had been carrying for its entire life, is just way different. Parts of me had died and they now belong to that other world. Moreover, my soul had to let go of him again, after all the history we shared and after finding him again.
Time was over, after a week the gates closed again and behind the gates dreams, visions and wishes would disappear.
I felt relieve when the days became brighter and the trees and flowers were shining in vivid colors again. It took me almost 2 days to realize, that the gates had closed again and I was back in my life, in this world, without the shadows of death. I enjoyed fresh air, clear blue skies, every detail in the rocks and whatever living being I saw or met.
I felt thankful to have been able to experience the presence of my loved ones and I know it made me grow to let my very own emotions rise again, notice them, accept them and letting them go. It cleared my view somehow but after all, I am even more happy to be back in my life, alive, vivid, full of energy and joy. I experience beauty again. I will always welcome the spirits and presence of death in my life, like in this first week of November, but I will always feel the relief to detach again, to be alive, present and aware.
3 weeks later:
Experiences like these take time to be understood. With distance perspective changes, it broadens somehow, it gains space and feelings and memories can connect. Now I am able to see the whole picture.
That week in November was a week of goodbye and grief for what has been part of me forever. The love of my soul is a story that took place long before I was born, just as the loss of this love by death. I was born with this history of my soul and I carried it with me, my soul searching for the one it had lost in another life. My soul made me look for him and I had found him, here, in this life, sharing time and space. He doesn’t know all of this, maybe he doesn’t want to. What matters is that he doesn’t connect to this soul-story anymore, our shared soul-story, he decided to move on in a different way. That’s what made it so painful for me. I had found him, after we were separated a very long time ago, and I had experienced unconditional love again, just like long time ago. Now I had to let it all go again, definitely and without return. It was my own pain and grief and the pain of my very old soul I felt. The soul that had been longing to connect to its experience again, to find him and live that love that had ended too soon. It was my mission to carry my soul to this point and beyond, through break-ups, lost dreams and the end of hope. It was my mission to finally let this desire of my very own soul die and to carry it into the grave of lost dreams.
It is our souls who carry the mission of our life, we are the fortunate ones to find a way to follow it and do our best to fulfill its desires. There is not always a happy end and we have to find ways, grow strong and be present to carry ourselves and our souls through these difficult and challenging experiences.
When feelings seem stronger than you are and they keep coming back, look closely, listen inside and look for signs outside yourself, meditate, go for a walk, let yourself be guided by these other, stronger forces in life, by nature, the power of the moon, stars, planets and the universe. Let the wind carry away whatever doesn’t serve you anymore, talk to it, ask for support.Wind is a liberator, try it, use its powers. There is no reason why the universe and its powers would deny the wish for help from a true soul.
Life is more than a journey on roads and along coasts, life is your soul-journey!
On the road with Dre 
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