6 weeks in Sarajevo

In love to all the people I met in Sarajevo and all the other places I have been. You are steps on my journey. You made an impact!

It wasn’t easy to say goodbye to Sarajevo. I had this feeling of being welcome there, being appreciated, which made me feel at home, calm, free and connected. Still, yesterday my time had come to continue my travel, to hit the road again.

Already in November last year, the feeling, then wish and vision, had been rising, to spend new year’s in Sarajevo, and I’m very happy and thankful, that this vision became reality. When leaving Montenegro I felt like reaching a turning point, then or soon, but without doubt I could feel a change. And so it was.

Flooded with emotions and in tears I stood on the roof top terrace at midnight of new year’s eve watching the fireworks all around the city. Here it was, where beauty and pain met for the last time, went hand in hand, merged, fused, melted into one and dissolved in peace. Both had accompanied me throughout my entire journey till then, they were part of it. I knew how to read them, I had learned to understand the dynamics and what they wanted to tell me. They let me see the beauty with my own eyes and made me feel the pain on my skin, flesh, and in my heart. Beauty prepared me for pain, pain made me finally heal and dissolve left over wounds and after the pain beauty was even brighter and soothing on me. I had felt that flow so intensely the last 3 months until December 31st, and also that night I let it all happen. Being there, on my own, on NEW YEARS EVE, in a city I had never been before, far away from everything that was familiar to me, watching the fireworks I love so much. That night, in the middle of Stari Grad, Baščaršija, not only a new year began, but a new chapter of my life, on my way, on this journey to getting closer and closer to myself.

Much has happened since then, the less I do the more I am. The more time I allow myself to just be, the more time and space I give myself to unfold and show, the clearer and more conscious I proceed in the journey of awakening and transformation. Just like after every change, after every letting go there was uncertainty, a gap, a not-knowing how to go on. With the fusion and dissolving of the pain and beauty-dynamics I had “lost” a strong inner guidance and I felt a bit lost. So I decided to stay, to just wait and see what would happen and to let all the experiences of last year sink and find nourishing ground, appreciating them consciously. Out came growing self-love and that moment of full acceptance of myself, of me, for who I am. That was the day I married myself and I fully accepted my soul as beloved part of me, with everything she had brought with her, with all her heritage and history, with all the challenges that are still to be discovered and for me to go through. I gained her trust, so she accepted to stay. My heart and soul since then are connected, united for good.

This act of marrying myself was the shift from going through old experiences and the need to heal, to starting something new. I had taken the step to leave behind and step over to whatever would be next. To go from the familiar to the unknown, to open up again to something I didn’t know. Also this is leaving the comfort zone. The coming weeks I looked for new guidelines, for new attitudes, that would help me to find my way again. That was when I met my friend Vivi in a bar in town. Out of the blue she was standing in front of me, in Sarajevo. This was no coincidence. The days and evenings we spent, sharing experiences of our inner journeys, were inspiring and a boost to my joy. It was so incredibly beautiful to sit in a bar with a woman and laugh as loud as I hadn’t in many weeks. To hear myself laughing made me happy and fulfilled with joy. It was a boost of power to my heart. And so I went on, doing and not doing, whatever felt good and right, and letting it all happen. Calm, patient and moved.

Also for the first time in a while I experienced this deep connection being in a city, with all the distractions and noise. It didn’t obstruct me from being conscious and I could still feel even subtle movements inside of me. I had followed my heart and trusted myself, I didn’t push myself to proceed, to go on travelling or keeping up a schedule. There is no schedule on my trip, no plan or timing. There are ideas, visions, feelings, places I feel drawn to and others that don’t hook me up. Sarajevo made me stay. It were the people who made me feel this nourishing and caring vibe. The gentle atmosphere of the house I stayed in, the warmth and welcoming smiles of the family who owns the place, the love they put into their work, to make the apartment a wonderful and, for me, the most beautiful place in town. So many times, actually every single time I came home, I stood on the terrace for a moment or minutes, just smiling and enjoying the view. Thankful for being there and being able to come home to this place, to feel at home. When I had arrived, Adnan and Faris helped me to get everything out of my car. Now I know how important that was for me, I moved in, I was not only accepted to stay for some time, but to be there, with everything I had brought with me, inside and outside. Unpacking my bags and hanging up my dresses I felt I had arrived, everything found its spot and so did I.

The weeks of January and beginning February I went through calm moments to recharge after the processes of 2020 and I went through challenging moments, that showed me where I was standing, where I felt strength and where I was still struggling. I had some encouraging days snowboarding, I then found new guidelines and attitudes, that now accompany me, and I had never before felt so meditative, free and wild at the same time.

When I then, in the late afternoon, was sitting at the fireplace in Beneton restaurant, just at the end of the slope, to enjoy and integrate the findings of the day, I had a chat with the friendly waiters, that made it an experience of being connected through open hearts. I even met people from my home town Munich there, who also gave me a feeling of warmth and love. I connected to these places through their people, who made it so easy and pleasant for me to be part of it, to share the moment and take these memories with me. So the night before yesterday, when it was time to say goodbye, I cried. I knew it was the right moment to go on with my journey, to pack my stuff and go back on the road, still, it was emotional.

Looking a bit closer to these emotions and tears, I saw, that there was uncertainty in me. I wasn’t sure, if I would be remembered, if I had made an impact or left any impression, or if I would leave and just disappear, as if I had never been there. There was a slight fear of not mattering, of just being a stranger, that passes by and of not feeling any connection in the other places I would get to. I know the inner voice, making me doubt myself. She spoke to me,  just like in some other moments in the last weeks, and I understood, that she is my teacher. She is my master, presenting me doubts about myself, to challenge me, to test me. She asks me to pick up my tools, these guidelines and attitudes I had uncovered the last weeks, and to feel strong. She makes me understand, what it means to feel and be consistent in loving myself and keeping up self-worth. She asks me, if I know how to get back there and stay. I do. I remembered the smiling faces of people I had encountered that day and the last six weeks. I remembered the tram driver being proud, when I took a picture of him and his tram, the lady in the bakery, when she was raving about how delicious the bread was, the owner of the tea shop and his hearty goodbye when I left the last time, the friendly smiles and looks when having coffee, enjoying the city, talking some words in Bosnian to do groceries and get a haircut. I remembered the energy and I realized, that with every smile I shared, with every kind look at each other, with every friendly encounter, I did move something, I did make an impact. I shared some love, I spread joy, thankfulness, contentment and happiness and that goes straight into every cell of your body. What I experienced in Sarajevo was a mirror of myself, and I was a mirror to every person I met. To realize and feel that, flooded me with love, I wanted to go outside and hug and kiss every corner of that city, every person I would meet and scream out my love to the world.

Now I can feel, that I am carrying all of this inside of me, and that I can and will experience love and connection in any place I go, simply by opening up and letting others be the mirror of myself. And if we meet I want to be your mirror, too. The beauty is inside of you. Everything you need, everything you wish for is inside of you. Show it and let others be your mirror, too.